Holding on to you
by fairytaleofdust
Summary: What if the bullet had hit Liz at the courthouse? and angsty one-shot prompted on tumblr.


One might think that, when a bullet hits you, it drills a neat hole on your body, going through whatever it encounters like a nail through a wall. No. It opens a hole alright, but as the bullet passes, it inflicts kinect energy on the surrounding tissue, opening a temporary cavity that will determine the extent of the wound. this cavity can be three times the size of the hole, and it pulsates and contracts for some time before if finally closes.  
Elizabeth Keen learned that fact the hardest way. She felt the tissue in her neck widening, pulsating and contracting as the bullet went through her, slashing her artery in its way. She didn't feel pain, though. Just an excruciating burning sensation. She felt that, and she felt the strong grip on her back impeding her from falling behind. Her eyes were blurred, her mouth, dried and tasting like blood. Her hearing, though, was ok. It remained okay for a while, although she felt a sudden urge to close her eyes.  
"No, no, no, no! Liz? Liz, look at me!" Her eyes jerked open with his command, and for a second she could see clearly. She saw the wide colonial ceiling, with intricate architecture and neutral colors. She saw the rays of sun hitting that ceiling, she saw his bright blue eyes. They looked like the sea on a sunny day, a clear sky reflecting the sea reflecting the sky, giving its impossible and beautiful blue color.  
Her unaltered hearing could recognize the screams and fuss of US Marshalls holding down a prisoner, steps up and down the stairs, the press outside trying to get in.  
His hands pressed lightly on her face, calling out her focus to his eyes. There was water on them, bur he wasn't crying.  
"Liz! Liz! Focus, please, look at me. Liz? Please, stay awake, please!" He asked, but her body wanted to do the opposite, and she felt her eyes rolling back into their sockets.  
"Liz!" A scream brought her back, and he sounded different now. Sobs. He was crying now.  
"Liz, please, don't go. Please, stay with me, please, baby. Stay with me!" Her mind was playing tricks on her, did he just call her baby? Her sight came back one more time, but just on him. Everything around was blurry, but his face was clear.  
The sound, though, was beginning to fade. She could see his lips moving, but his voice was far.  
"Liz? Liz! No! Stay awake! Liz! I love you, Liz! Don't go. Don't..."  
I love you. She heard that, and her heart, which was slowing down, skipped like a little girl skipping on the park. She felt her lips purse into a smile as she left that place, that horrid place smelling like blood. Suddenly, she was at a beach, a calm and quiet beach with bright sun and sea as blue as his eyes.  
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He just observed as the paramedics rushed her to the ambulance. He couldn't move. If it wasn't involuntary, he probably wouldn't be breathing either. He was tired, his shirt soaking with blood. The sound of the bullet passing close to his head and hitting her neck still clear in his ears.  
He tried to push her down and jump in front of her, but he lost the race against the bullet. If only a few seconds earlier, and it would have probably hit him. He would have gladly taken it for her.  
He just observed as the Marshalls took the shooter down the stairs. Inside, he wanted to go to this guy and kill him with his bare hands, but his body wasn't responding. Besides, he knew where it came from. He knew who he needed to hit.  
He felt the phone vibrating inside his pocket but took a few seconds to assimilate it. As it was about to stop, he took the call and placed the device on his ear.  
"Donald! What happened?" He recognized the voice, and an involuntary smirk came out. For the first time in years, he was the one with the information.  
"They... She..."  
"Donald, focus!" Red's scream on the phone woke him up from his trance, and his brain slowly went back to function. Only then did he notice that he was alone in the hall, and that he should've followed the paramedics. He rushed towards the front door.  
"A gunmen, dressed as a Marshall. The only way for him to be here is if Hitchen put him here. It was the Cabal."  
Red sighed and silence ensued for a few seconds as he reached the street and was relieved to see that the ambulance was still there. He signaled to the driver, flashing his badge to make him stop.  
"Agent Donald Ressler. Wherever she goes, I go" he said to the man, and he opened the passenger door.  
"Things are ugly back there. It's best if you go here" and they rushed through the street, the sirens screaming for a clear path. He didn't like the way the man described it, but then he didn't know his relationship to the victim.  
"Where are they taking her?" Red asked, and he repeated the question to the driver.  
"George Washington" he said, and Red heard it so he just continued talking.  
"Tell him to take her to this address I'm texting you now."  
"No! She's going to a real hospital!"  
"And then be an easy target to whoever feels like killing her? Donald, think. I have good professionals that can save her and keep her safe. Do it"  
He wanted to fight the man, but the last time he did so he was wrong, so he just complied.  
"I'll go there as soon as I can. I have to solve some things first. Don't leave her"  
Donald thought that he was stating the obvious. A little before they hung up, though, he stopped.  
"What about the plan, Red? It didn't work?"  
"I think this is more like something previously planned that they couln't stop. I'll deal with it. Take care of Elizabeth" and the phone was dead.  
He sighed and looked up to notice they were almost at the hospital. He showed the address to the man and used FBI priviledge to avoid questions.  
The driver accepted, reluctantly, and changed the car's direction. He looked back but the paramedics moving there didn't allow him to see her properly. For the first time in a long time, he felt like saying a prayer.  
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He was looking outside the window at the pavement rushing under them, trying not to pay attention to the shouts and noises from the back of the ambulance when the car stopped at an old, apparently unused factory. A set of doctors came out of it immediately, indicating that, whatever that had been before, it was already converted into a hospital.  
He stepped out of the vehicle and rushed to explain the situation to the paramedics working on her.  
"FBI protocol, she's in danger." He said as the doctors tried to get the stretcher from the paramedics. They looked at each other confused, but complied and started explaining the situation. At this moment, he could see her. She had been tubbed and attached to a series of fluids and machines. He felt his heart beat fast at seeing her like this, but he knew he had to be strong.  
Mr. Kaplan showed up as the doctors rushed her inside the place, and placed her old hand on his chest.  
"Stop right there, agent. Let the doctors do their work."  
"I'm not leaving her" he fought back, but the woman didn't even flinch.  
"Follow me" she said, and walked towards another door next to where the others had entered. He followed and entered in what seemed to be an office. There was a window at the opposite side, showing the open space where they had set up the makeshift O.R.  
"Is that safe?" He asked, observing the doctors doing their thing in a place that was probably dirty and full of mold and dust.  
"We sterialized the area around it, don't worry."  
It was all he couldn't do, stop worrying. He had no idea where Red was or what he was doing, or even if it was wise to inform the FBI of where they were. His phone was going crazy, but he decided to ignore it. He texted a message quickly informing the necessary to Cooper and Aram, and hit send before putting it into his pocket.  
"Wait here if you want, but truth is that it will take time. Maybe you should go home"  
Home was not an option right now. The woman looked at him and immediately knew his answer.  
"Suit yourself" she said, and went out of the door.  
Alone in the room, he finally had an opportunity to revise all that had happened. Laurel Hitchin's call warning him, the man pointing the gun and his reflexes reacting to it. Not soon enough. He hadn't been fast enough.  
A strong feeling rushed inside of him, through his veins, making him shiver, and he crumbled on the chair behind him, bending down to put his head between his legs, allowing the sobs and tears to come. He had failed, and she could die. The thought of losing her was unberable.  
He thought about what he said as she lost conscience. "I love you." He wasn't sure himself where that came from. It was an urge that came from the memory of having Audrey in his arms, a bullet in her stomach.  
He remembers not saying anything as her eyes darkened and rolled back, taking away her conscience. He regretted not saying anything.  
Once again, he had a woman he loves in his arms, bleeding. He felt like he was making the same mistakes. He knew it was his fault Audrey is dead. Maybe he should've known that man wasn't a real Marshall. Maybe...  
He felt the panic take over him, and for once he allowed himself to lose control. There was nothing else he wanted but cry right now. So he cried, like a kid.  
He cried until his eyes felt too heavy to open again.  
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He woke up with the sound of whispers around him. When he opened his eyes, Reddington was standing in front of him, together with Harold cooper, and on the opposite wall, Aram and Samar Navabi were sitting. Red and Copper talked about what happened after the shooting.  
"We delivered Karakurt at the court and apparently Hitchins did her part. Her statement to the press was quite convincing. Liz's name has been cleared, except for Connoly's shooting." Said the former director of the taskforce.  
"Laurel knows the mistake they made with shooting Lizzy. She doesn't want to make any other mistake or she'll end up like Peter"  
"What happened to the director?" He interrupted their conversation, and all eyes went to him.  
"Oh, Donald. Good of you to join us" Reddington placed a hand on his shoulder, and the act surprised both of them. In the current situation, though, any kind of comfort was valid. "When we got here and saw you sleeping, we figured we'd let you to it. It can't have been easy on you"  
He stood up, trying to clean his suit and wipe his face, to at least try to look a bit less vulnerable. His blood- drenched shirt didn't help much, though.  
"You have blood on your face" Aram pointed out, and he immediately tried to clean it, but he knew it was there for a long time, and it was already dry. He gave up trying to look good. Amongst these people, even Reddington, he didn't have to fake being okay.  
"How is she?"  
"Still in surgery. Apparently they removed the bullet and succeeded in stopping the bleeding. It must end soon"  
"So she'll be okay?" He tried not to sound too helpful.  
"We can always hope, Donald. Always hope" Reddington was worried too, and he could tell by the way the criminal looked. His usual smug and prepotence was gone, leaving just and older man affected by the severe stress of having someone he loves in danger.  
"Has anyone told Tom?" He didn't know why, but felt like her ex-husband should be warned, even though he was a lying scumbag.  
"I did" Samar intervened. "He's on his way. He could only come after dropping Karakurt"  
"What happened, after all?"  
"The deal was made. Marvin was able to pull out a deal that exonerates Elizabeth from the crimes she didn't commit, a public statement of that and the admittance that the Cabal is real."  
"But Connoly?"  
"Elizabeth knew that when she pulled that trigger she crossed a threshold that she couldn't come back from. She won't have jail time, but will have 3 years probation."  
"She will lose her badge" he thought immediately about how she would react to that. She wouldn't like it, for sure. He wish there was more he could do.  
"Yes, but the task force continues" Cooper affirmed. "She will be able to work as an asset next to Reddington."  
He nodded, looking at his former director.  
"Then I believe you should reclaim your place in the taskforce, sir" he said, and Cooper looked surprised.  
"You are the current deputy director, Ressler, you don't have to..."  
"I want to. I'm an agent, I belong in the field, kicking down doors. I'll leave the politics to you." He opened a brief smile and shook the man's hand.  
"Thank you, agent Ressler. That means a lot."  
At this moment, a desperate and angry Tom Keen invaded the room.  
"Where is she?" He screamed, as Samar tried to stop and calm him.  
"Ah, Jacob. Slow down there. She's in surgery" Reddington said, using a hand to stop the man.  
"You!" His attack was directed to Ressler, who placed his arm in front of his face and dodge to defend himself. "You let this happen to her! It was your fault!"  
As hard as it was to admit, he was right, and Ressler nearly put his guard down, allowing the punch to come. But Reddington put himself between them and followed by defending him.  
"You're wrong, Jacob. Agent Ressler did all he could to protect Elizabeth. This event was unexpected and unfortunate, a bad choice of our enemies, and they will pay for this. They already are, but, to be honest, I'm not in the mood to share my plan with you. Now, if you want to be able to stay here to wait for Elizabeth, you'll stand down!"  
Jacob stepped back and followed Samar to the opposite chairs.

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A few hours passed until there was movement in the room again, as a nurse entered the room to announce that Liz had woken up.  
"Ah! Were I the religious kind, i would be thanking a God. Thank you, my dear. Now, can I see her?"  
The nurse looked at him overwhelmed by his personality.  
"She's still very fragile and can't talk much. We don't recommend visitors, but she woke up calling out a name, so I think this person should go in.  
Reddington stopped, as he knew it was unlikely that she had called him in her unconsciousness. They all looked at Tom, who was now looking up at the nurse.  
"Ressler. She said." He looked up surprised, and everybody looked at him as he stood up.

"That's... That's me"  
"If you could follow me, then, sir" the nurse nodded and then left the room. He slowly moved towards the door, accompanied by the baffled looks of everyone in the room.  
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He opened the door slowly, maybe a bit scared of what he would see in there. But, as he entered, her sweet eyes found him, and she opened a weak smile.  
"Hey!" He whispered as he approached her bed, standing close but not too close. She slowly raised her hand, though, asking him to come closer, so he grabbed her hand and sat by her on the bed.  
She opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her. She had a big bandage on her neck, covering where the bullet entered, and her voice was still too weak.  
"Shh. Don't talk. You're too weak." She squeezed his hand, gently. He could see in her eyes what she wanted to talk about. He took a deep breath, as he didn't know where that conversation would take them, but knew it would come eventually. "Not now. We'll have time to talk later." He smiled, emphasizing the word _later_. She was going to be alright.  
He took her hand and gently placed a kiss on it. He noticed a tear also escaped his eye and fell there, so he grazed his thumb over it to dry it. She blinked in response to his touch. As she tried to speak again, he approached his face and started to tell her everything that had happened while she was unconscious.  
"Red got a deal for you. You're free." She smiled, and he chose to tell the details when it would be safer for her to react negatively.  
"Everyone is out there. Tom is here too, if you want to see him" she shook her head, and her eyes told him that no, she did not want to see Tom now. "What about Red?" Her reaction was less intense, but still, she did not want to see anyone else.  
"Just me, hun. I guess I got lucky, then" he smiled, and she chuckled gently.  
Their eyes lingered in each other's for a while and for those seconds nothing else mattered. It was easy for them, communicating without words, so he just caressed her hands and knew little by little that she would be okay, and they would be okay.  
"Thank you" she whispered, catching him off guard.  
"For what?" He couldn't think of any reason for her to thank him.  
"For saving me" her voice was low and weak, so he came really closer to her to be able to listen.  
"I didn't save you, Liz." He felt like crying again, guilt taking over. She placed her hand on his face gently, caressing under his eye with her thumb.  
"You were there. I'm here now because you were there." He lowered his head and she placed a small kiss on his forehead, as he crumbled down and started to cry. She gently put her fingers through his hair, soothing him.  
"It's all over now" she whispered, and he closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel her next to him.


End file.
